A Day in the Mind...

7am, my alarm goes off, it's actually not a clock, but my iPhone. I use the 'Clock' app to set alarms but i use an App called 'Nightstand' as the clock because it looks like an old digital clock. I tap it twice and the thing dims, tap it again and the brightness goes back up.

I hit the 'Snooze' button and go back to sleep. 9 minutes later the alarm goes off again, and again i hit the 'Snooze' button. I actually hesitated, thinking that maybe i should get up now, but my thoughts on that were more like 'I should just stay in bed today.

At 7:28am, after hitting the 'snooze' button twice it goes off again and this time i get up, i take my iPhone out of its Dock charger and check my eMails, twitter and Google+. I then put Nightstand back on and put the phone back in its dock. I rise up and throw my legs out and over the side of the bed. I sit for a moment, i look at the time and my uniform, and again i wonder "Why should i bother" "Is it eve worth it". I grab a t-shirt and my shorts then go to the toilet, then have a shower, then i go downstairs and make breakfast and a cup of tea. I take them both up starts and eat while watching 'Breakfast' on BBC1, i don't really watch it because i'm at all interested in what's being broadcast, i just don't have anything else to watch that early in the day. It's just something to ignore. After that i go brush my teeth and wash my face. Then get dressed for work, i do this slowly, sometimes so slowly it makes me late. I wonder if i'm doing that on purpose, making myself late to prolong the time i have to leave home for work.

I stand at the bus stop, waiting for the 8:18am bus to work, the journey is something like 50 to 60 minutes. It's a journey i've made a lot and now very well, and i sometimes just go to sleep, i slide down and tilt my head forward, my chin on my chest, i close my eyes and doze off, waking up every few minutes. Sometimes, it's before the bus ride, but usually during it, i get what i call 'Work Depression', i start to feel like crap, i dread going to work, i can't stand the thought of spending any amount of time there. Now this isn't the place or the people, it's the job, i fucking hate, with a passion, doing Security. But it's the only thing i have skills in, and experience.

Once the bus journey is over, usually about 9:20 - 9:30, i have a 20 minute walk to the site, and right now it's cold and windy. The cold isn't so bad, but i hate wind, because it doesn't matter what direction i'm walking in, the wind is always blowing in my face. Walking through Oxford Street is usually a nightmare but at this time of the morning it ain't so bad, but people always find a way to step out in front of me, causing my to stop in my tracks, annoying.

At 9:40 - 9:50 i arrive at work, and as the door is locked i have to wait for someone to let me in, and for the last few work days, i've been left standing outside for nearly 10 minutes, making hate my job even more. Once inside i stand up for about 90 minutes, which goes by pretty quick, then have a 30 minute break, then i stand for 4 hours and 30 minutes, and this is where all the pain and frustration comes from. You see, i'm not allowed to sit down, no matter how bad my feet hurt, no matter how empty the place is, i can't sit down, not even for 5 minutes to let my feet recover, now the first 60 minutes of this goes by quickly but i always manage to look at the time, and after that, time seems to slow right down, and as the pain in my feet grows, time seems to crawl. There is a correlation here, in our perception of time passing, because i'm in pain, i'm looking forward to my next 30 minute break, and because i'm waiting for that break, it never comes. It's like watching a pot boil, or waiting for Christmas when you a kid, the pot doesn't boil and Christmas seems eons away, even thought it's 11:30pm on December 24. The things we want and are waiting for, seem further and further away and the more we clock watch, the slower time moves. My next break starts at 4:30pm, it's 30 minutes long and goes by quickly, i sit down and try to get my heels off the ground, and if i can raise them up, of course this just makes them ache, pretty fucking bad. The rest is enough for about 30 minutes of pain free standing afterwards. At 5pm i'm back on the job, i now have 90 minutes before i lock the door. And this 90 minutes, like all the other times i'm waiting for something, take ages. At 6:30pm (actually it's 6:25, but shhhhh) i lock the door. Do the last of my duties, the paper work. I then change my shoes from the feet destroying to the Converse, which seem to hug my feet as i tie the laces. I grab my bag and my coat then go wait by the door. You see, i have to check the staffs bag as they leave, and these guys take their sweet time. We leave the alarm is set and i start my 20 minute walk to the bus stop.

The bus ride home is the same as the one going to work, i slide down and close my eyes. I try to sleep. I arrive home some time between 8pm and 8:30pm. I get changed, i eat dinner and have another wash. My feet still hurt and are now aching like a mother fucker, along with my knees, hips, and back.

my job, the pain i go through daily (feet, knees, hips, lower and upper back), the intense boredom, having to put up with wealthy twats who've never worked a day in their lives, the crowned princes's and princesses i've met (quiet a few now) who think that i should know who they are, who actually say the words "Don't you know who i am", the people who open a closed door, a door that is keeping the cold outside, outside, and leave it wide open, the people who, after you've opened a door for them, either don't acknowledge you, or say "Thanks" but still refuse to make eye contact, making the "Thanks" meaningless, the people who think that it's my job to look out for a traffic warden while they shop, spending up to 2 grand on shoes and then complaining about getting a £30 parking ticket.

I sit here wondering if it's all worth it. Is it worth the looks of contempt from people who believe they are better than i am.


I started working on the 18th of January. But i'm still looking for work. I've added Window Cleaner to the list and yesterday i added Bicycle mechanic (At Halfords Bikehut) also. Two jobs i think i'd actually enjoy doing. Why, will it's not just specific to those two jobs. Any job that i can enjoy and actually have work to do, work i know i can do well. Security is basically, doing lots of nothing. Nothing is harmful to your health. I want to work, to do something, not nothing.

Paradox

So, i was unemployed for about 16 months. To start with i was looking for a job doing something that i might actually enjoy doing. You know, surely we all want or would rather, do a job that we like. After something like 4 months of fruitless searching i decided to get my SIA (Security Industry Authority) license renewed and add security to my job search as well.

Now, i hate doing security, with a passion, but it's the only job i have actual qualifications doing as well as years of experience. But i hate doing it.

During that 16 month period of unemployment i badgered on about not working, how i really wanted to get back to work, back to earning money and not having to rely on government hand outs every few weeks. Which makes it hard to complain about my new job. But...

I already mentioned that i hate doing security, but now having to stand up all day is killing my feet, knees, lower back, shoulders, so on top of hating my job i'm in constant pain while doing it.

My message to any security company types out there reading this. Making someone stand all day is fucked up, security or not, it's simply fucked up, but then what do you care, you're miles away sitting at your desk, and as long as you don't get any complaints from clients, you never talk or hear form us. Out of sight out of mind, right?

Oh but wait, you're thinking that if i'm in such discomfort i should probably contact you and let you know, yeah, right, i'm sure that'll work great. Hearing about someone not wanting to stand for 8 to 12 hours a day means nothing more then bitch bitch bitch stop complaining;

You then say, "So what do you want us to do about it?"

I say "move me to a site where i don't have to stand up all day going brain deaf"

You say, "but there isn't one"

I say "So what do i do now?"

You say "Well if you want to remain in work, you should just continue where you are for now and if something comes up we'll let you know"

And that other job doesn't come along, ever, you feed me bullshit for a few months;

"We might have a new contract coming up soon that'll suit you"

And every now and then you'll let me know that it could be a month or so away, wondering if that'll keep me interested "I'll have you on a new shift in 2 weeks, 4 maximum". Yeah, i've heard that before. And won't fall for it again. In my eyes your a manager, you nothing more then someone who wanted to tell me exactly what i want to know to keep me sweet, as long as you're 'communicating' with me i'll just stop complaining. But let me tell you this, the steel spikes in my heels will remind me every fucking day that i need to move.

But you know what, lying to me will only make me distrust you more then i already do, yes i distrust you, what, your a manager you're only interested in keeping your managers sweet not looking after your employees. On top of that you're paranoid, all security managers are paranoid by definition, which also makes my balls itch.

So, if you're reading this and i work for you, then remember, you can't fire me for expressing an opinion. But i'm sure later on you will, for something else...

Yep, as a blogger and a guy with opinions that's the risk i take.

Oh, one more thing, the below quote is from Star Trek The Next Generation (Best of Both Worlds part 1)

"I am Locutus of Borg. Resistance is futile. Your life as it has been, is over. From this time forward, you will service. Us."

Now, think of 'Locutus' as a company manager, and 'Borg' as the company. You're the company, and you say these words to every employee, except that message is hidden in the contract, a deceptive word puzzle we'd have to be a cytologist with several weeks and a super computer to decode. You give us inexplicable hours that rape us of a life outside of work, 12 hour days, are you fucking kidding, we have at least an hours travel to and from, that's 14 hours, plus the hour wake up before the travel, that's 15 hours, if we want a good nights sleep, that's 8 hours, making it a total of 23 hours, daily. That only gives us 1 hour, a few more if you don't mind losing sleep. People, work shouldn't be like this, this is why free thinkers, people with creative tendencies and people who like being social hate doing security, 'cause security robs you of everything worth having and living for. Security becomes your life, and your manager, that's you guys, expect nothing less than our fucking souls. When we sign that contract, it truly is faust. I mean you might as well type at the top;

YOUR LIFE IS NOW OVER, YOU WORK FOR US NOW, YOU LIVE FOR US NOW, GET USED TO IT, GET USED TO NOT SEEING YOUR FRIENDS AGAIN, TO NEVER HAVING THE TIME TO EXERCISE, TO GAINING WEIGHT INEXPLICABLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO EAT QUICKLY TO SAVE TIME SO YOU WELL SURRENDER TO FAST FOOD, TO YOUR BRAIN SHRINKING AND YOUR PAY BEING SHIT ENOUGH TO KEEP YOU HERE. HA. HA. HA. LOSER.

No job should ruin a persons life. We shouldn't have to live for work. Work should be something we enjoy doing.

The bullshit we weave.

I'm not to sure where to start with all this.

I was unemployed for nearly 16 months, then based on one interview i was hired by a security firm. I was happy, i was sent to a decent site, and apart from the 12 to 13 hours of "Stand Up" it was a good job. I was able to chat/talk with the restaurant staff who were all nice people, sure it was long hours but it was only 4 days, then i'd get 4 days off. Time for my feet to recover. Well i made a video and posted it to youtube saying how much i liked this job and how grateful i was at finally getting back to work, i mentioned the name of the site, and then they found out about the video and watched it, my security firm also found out and watched it. I was then sacked because of it. Well, that's what i understood anyway, I asked for an eMail with the details of my dismissal, as i was a little confused about it, but that eMail never came, and so i gave up on that. I was fired at the start of December.

In early Jan i received a call from another security firm, a firm that had called me twice before, the first time i couldn't go because i had an appointment at a Work Program and didn't want to miss it. The second time they called i was having an interview with the other security firm (above), i was told that the next group interview would be in Jan. They called and i accepted. I had that interview on a Monday, that Wednesday i had an induction, the next Wednesday i started my first shift. It's another good site with great people and the work is easy enough if your on the ball. But again the only bad thing about it is the standing up. Sure this time is only for 8 hours, i get two 30 minute breaks, making it a 9 hour work day. But having said that it wasn't as bad today as it was on Saturday.

Now, there is more to this blog. A lot more. Not about what i've already written about. This is something new, something different. But i can't write it and post it online in public. Because if it was read by the "Wrong" person i'm sure i'd be in the shit again. Because we live in a world where you can't express your dreams and desires if they differ from those of your current employer. They start to think that your mind isn't in the job, that you do not love what you do and therefore shouldn't be doing it because you're basically no good. Fact is, that's all bullshit, i do the best i can not because i love the work or care for the site. I do the best i can because that's what i'm being paid for. And we do live in a world where money is everything, in business anyway.

If you who are reading this are from my security firm or from my new site, believe me when i say, so long as you pay me to do the job. The job will get done to the best of my ability.

But no amount of money will stop my feet from hurting, will it.

But, you must know, my passion isn't in security, i mean how could anyone have a passion for security, weather it's corporate or retail. My passion, my real passion, is film making and writing. And, as it stands, i no longer get the time to do either. And that makes me sad. I gave up my passion because i needed a job, an income, to beat the jaws of the rabid dogs away, the dogs that work for my credit card company. And no, one day off a week isn't enough to have a life, you feel like all you do is work, work work, and no one should work their life away and no one should tell them to. Corporations are the new slave traders, the difference is, we let them, we sign a form saying they can give us more then 48 hours of work. Thing is, if you don't sign it you're no good to the security firm, and therefore would most likely not get any work. Catch 22, right? Don't sign, don't get the work. Sign it and you lose your life to work. "I am Locutus of Borg. Resistance is futile. Your life as it has been, is over. From this time forward, you will service. Us."

I only wish i was kidding. But that is what it feels like sometimes. Like signing that contract is you signing over you right to your own life.

Okay i'm being melodramatic now. But i was on a roll... ;)

Tomorrow

I have a Job interview tomorrow at 9:30.

Well i say interview, i have a feeling i'll be there longer then an hour, which i think is the usually length of an interview, you know, a one of one interview. But this is a group interview, i have no idea how many but i'll guess that we'll be there an hour for each one of us, 8 people equals 8 hours. Yes, i'm guessing i'll be there all day.

Now i don't really have an issue with this, if only i know how long i'd be there, i hate appearing for these things and then finding out that as i step into a room that i'll be there all bloody day, it just aggravates me, i mean all they'd have to do is put "Expect to be here all day" in the eMail then at least i'd know. But no.

I expect to walk into that place and find out. Fucking hate that.

Self Publishing...

Taken from Grifter Books

As a nobody, and i use the term factually, i think a lot about how i could get my works published. I could do the main stream thing and send a transcript to a publisher, who will no doubt cut it to shreds or edit it, which isn't all bad, but it'll be a long time before it's actually released, then i'd need an agent, right? I hate having people between me and those handling my stuff. 

Then there is self publishing, using Amazon i can publish my works myself as an eBook for Kindle, also there is the iTunes iBooks thing as well. But of course i have no advertising except my social networks, Twitter, Google+, and Facebook but i don't have that many people following me, word of mouth would then be my best friend, hoping that those that do read it, like it enough to tell their friends and share on their social networks too. But even then i think i'd see a slow start, then a few days of buying, then nothing.

Of course i'm already prepared for that, and giving away a few chapters for free would help i think, but also, i need to write GOOD stuff, so that when i release a new eBook, those that read the first want to read the next and buy the newest when it's out. Using social networks to advertise that it's in the works, being written, artwork is being done, then all the booky stuff, dedication, acknowledgements, previous works etc etc etc... than that it's out on the something something as an eBook on Amazon. Then on release day, post everywhere, and ask for likes, +1's and shares from everyone who follows me, to get the word out.

With Amazon and iTunes, i think, self publishing would mean i get 70% of sales, which isn't bad, really. If i price the books at £1.43, i'd get, as near as makes no difference, a £1 per sale. If i sell 1000 books, i'd make £1000. Awesom-O. I like numbers to be as clean as possible. And £2.86 would mean i get £2 per sale. And about £4.30 would get me £3.

For book of 350 pages are less, i'd sell for £2.86. Book with 351 pages or more £4.30. And if i do a special offer or sale i'd sell at £1.43 or free.

Also, something else i've been thinking about is short stories. If a put them all together in a collective works of no more than 200 pages, with artwork illustrations and such i would put them out there for free, as they will most likely be here in this blog anyway, why would i then ask people to pay for them when they can just come here and read them, free, when ever they want. At least in an eBook they get art work. I'm also preparing to continue writing the "Corridors of my Subconscious" series, i've written 3 of XX and once they are all done and the series is finished, i can do the same, put them all together, in order, and give it away.

Here's hoping i can write gooder.

New Job interview...

So today i received a call and an eMail for a job interview on Monday morning.

I'm not going to mention the name of the company i'm interviewing for or the name of the people i'll be seeing, i'll also not be adding them as tags below. 'Cause i did that once and lost a job, even though i did say anything derogatory, in fact i was very happy to have finally found a job.

Right so, i'll write about the interview and if i get the job great but you'll not hear anything about it, or i could just lie about it. But then if it's found by my new employer they might think it's true and that i have a second job....

Right then i'll just shut up about it all and not say anything online.

Also i have to shave today, right when i was getting used to the beard.

Slow days [TOD]

So today i started writing chapter 6 of 'The Orion Directive' [TOD] which was supposed to be different, but i realised that the sixth chapter as i'd set it out wasn't needed so i just replaced it with seven. 

It started out okay, not particularly quick, but i was moving forward, then after a few pages things kind staled on me, and i came to a complete halt, not writers block, i just could move forward, so i basically stopped dead and saved my work and turned off the word processor, so i could jus think about it for a bit. About an hour later i opened it up again and continued to write, but again it was slow moving, and i also came to the realisation that i didn't really like what i was writing.

Of course i know that a first draft is supposed to be shit, you can't write a master piece first time, and with my experience with chapter one, which i've already rewritten twice, i know that once i revisit chapter six i can make it better. Right now i'm kind of plotting my route through the haze of a yet to be discovered story, of which i do have a basic idea of, but the real meet comes out as i'm writing it, so i don't actually know what i'm doing until i'm doing it, which i guess is how many, if not all, writes do it, right?

The idea being that, once i have the chapter written and have an idea of what's in this chapter, the people the places the things that happen i can then think more about it and when i revisit it later, i'll have a better idea of what's going to happen and can rewrite it all knowing where i'm heading. It's like walking in a forest with a bucket over your head, you can only see the ground that's directly beneath your feet, you have no idea where you are or where your going, or what's to come. But once you've made that journey and have a basic idea of what to expect, you can take off the bucket and walk the route again with all your senses firing, being able to see not only the route you took earlier, but move, and now you know the route you can think more about being descriptive and extending that attention to detail that you missed the first time. And the more you walk that route, the more you learn about it and the more you see.

Rewrite, Rewrite, Rewrite, Rewrite, Rewrite, as they say is how books are written.

What i tend to do and what i expect to do with chapter six at some point, is day dream about it, i put myself in the shoes of the main character and imagine everything, every detail, the sights, the amount of day light or lack there of, the smells the sounds, the hotel room, the stairs, the hotel lobby the street outside the cab what it looks like and how it smells inside, the route taken what he sees and hears, the street he's dropped off on the walk to the next location etc etc etc, i'll do this, usually before i go to bed, as my pre-sleep routine is relaxing to me.

Computer off, Tele off, make bed, have a pee, turn on fan (I need the noise of the fan, white noise, to filter out all others noises, or i find it hard to sleep) so hearing the fan noise relaxes me, it's like my brain hears the fan and thinks that i'm now going to bed, so it prepares for that. I remember once i was on a plane, sitting right over a wing, and the noise of the engine put me to sleep, best flight ever. But what always happens, and i'm sure it'll happen tonight, is that my brain goes into overdrive, i'm relaxed left to my thoughts with zero distractions, i start to think about my story, especially parts i've already written, and i start to visualise it. That's when i start to get a real feel for the environment the character is in and that helps me write more descriptive.

I love the creative process, it's not something that just happens once you sitting in front of your computer, but rather it's always happening, while your eating breakfast, waiting for a bus, sitting on that bus, it's always happening, it starts when you wake up and stops once you've passed out, the really lucky once continue in their sleep.

I love it.

More to me...

I have too other blogs here on Blogger, do you know that? No, let me enlighten you then.

First i have a blog for Grifter Films HERE, which is where i post about any and all film project i have in the works, i guess it'll mostly be about short films rather than features, but i'll still hold out that one day i shall make a feature.

Second, i just started a new blog for Grifter Books HERE, this is where i'll be posting about any and all writings, books, short stories, flash fiction and the like.

Now, i'll be posting everything here too, i just wanted a dedicated location to put film and book stuff so it's not all cluttered here, and so i'd have a separate place for them besides here.

What year is it again...?

So that time is upon us again, that time when we make up a bunch of tasks that we think are reasonable goals to reach for over the next 366 days (2012 is a leap year).

How many time have i made up a bunch of crap, like get fit, get health, enjoy life and take a dump but once a day. Bullocks to making shit resolutions that i'm never going to keep, fuck that, i'll just make three this year;

1, To read more.

2, To write more.

3, To do less of the things that distract me from 1 and 2.

That's it.

Actually i could add one more to that;

4, Make lots of money by being selfish.

So that's it.